Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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