Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
