im six kinds of drunk right now
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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