Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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