i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
