Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
