Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
