...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
