I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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