Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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