meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
