I wish I could teleport
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
