There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
