SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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