Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
birth control should be required to get into college
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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