I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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