6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
