Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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