Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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