Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
