We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
