Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
