I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize