I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
40s are totally the cure
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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