If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
