I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
