Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
