If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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