remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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