Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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