Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
