she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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