i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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