headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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