the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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