stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
