the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
