My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
