Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
