even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
