I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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