DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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