tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
