i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
