she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
