whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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