I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
