is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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