shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
