I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
