Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
