Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
