Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
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