It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
