so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
