I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
