Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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