My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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