can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
