My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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