remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
