people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
