Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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