god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
