Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
