just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
