i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize