Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
