Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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