My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I touched a dick in church today
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
