I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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